Step Parenting 101

This is always difficult, but it’s no different to being an ordinary parent; there are just a few more people involved, so it’s a little more complex in some ways, but complicated situations can ALWAYS be simplified. Who pays for what is the usual problem, but there are plenty of others.

There are several techniques for keeping your own mind reasonably straight, all of which I’ve used. The woman I was involved with had a 5-year-old daughter, and a violent ex-boyfriend. One of the first things I encountered was “Are you my new daddy?” Wow! Tough question. My answer was: “No, I’m not, but you can think of me as another dad, so you’ve got two dads.” This answer was acceptable, and sometimes I imagined schoolyard arguments; “I’ve got TWO dads! So There!” (I take my amusement where I can find it.)

Moving from ‘single’ to instant parent required some serious cogitation, and kept me constantly re-evaluating my position. Was I her dad? What was my role? How do I deal with her biological father? I initially resolved it by placing my first priority on my new partner. Ok, some radical changes in my lifestyle were required, like changing to kid-friendly restaurants.

As much as possible, I simply did not get involved in any conflict between my girlfriend and her ex; that was something they had to resolve between themselves. I did suggest to both of them that they resolve their issues via a third party, but neither was prepared to do that, so sometimes I did get caught in the middle. The worst was that both of them sometimes used to use the child against each other. This gives real meaning to the phrase: ‘When elephants fight, the grass gets trampled!’

I did resolve in my own mind what my role was: in loco parentis. This means that I was her father when she was under my care, or guardianship, and I would behave as if I was her father, so that’s what I did. When she was at school, they were responsible for her, so no worries there.

If you are a step-parent, behave towards the children as if you are a single parent, and you adopted them. This technique allows a lot of clarity, and as you’re NOT actually a single parent, things should be a bit easier. Your priority relationship is with your partner. This might sound, and, at times, feel like you’re in a two-front war, but this one CAN be won.

Oh…I nearly forgot: “Why is the sky blue?” “Because if it wasn’t we wouldn’t be able to see it.” Fifteen years on, she’s also turned out to be a pretty mean chess player, (my fault again!) but I’m a better life player, because I’ve had a bit more practice.